Last week one of my buddies asked a question which i thought was worth discussing. He asked about how to overcome fears that pop up sometimes - even when everything is going good.
The truth is it's not at all a simple question to answer because it varies from person to person. There are literally thousands of books that have been written on that subject only. However, one of the best ways I have used to overcome my fears usually involves lowering the gradient.
What exactly are gradients? Gradients are like steps on a ladder. If you try to go to the top of the ladder on your first step, it will be impossible and you may fail. If you keep trying it over and over you might begin to build up a "complex" about failing, and soon stop trying anymore.
If you try to jump up five or six steps on your first try, it will also be frightening - not necessarily impossible but scary. Probability is that if you have no experiences leaping that high you may fail too.
The right approach is to take the initial step and then advance one-step at a time. It is the most comfortable way to climb a ladder.
Here are a few examples of how I apply that to get over fears that pop up in meeting women and dating women:
As most guys do, I often go out to meet women in a social setting. Sometimes it is particularly scary. Therefore when I am approaching an attractive woman in a social setting, instead of telling her how beautiful she is and how much I am attracted to her (that exposes my fear of being shot down in front of many people and embarrassed) I lower the gradient of approach and simply say "Hi." If a girl likes you or has an interest in you she will find a way to continue the conversation. If she doesn't then i understand she is not interested in me and the simple "Hi" just appears that I am friendly - not necessarily even flirting - thus I don't feel shot down in front of others.
If I am starting to date a girl and I am afraid of taking the next step of trying to get intimate with her, I don't ask her "Do you want to get intimate?" I take a lower gradient and ask her if she wants to chill, get cozy, and just watch TV at my house. If she doesn't want to get intimate she surely won't wish to be alone with me, getting cozy at my house. Or instead of trying to suddenly "kiss her", I will simply hold her hand or give her light touches every now and again to find out how responsive she is to my touch. If she likes my touch she will start touching me back to give me the go ahead signal.
These are a few examples. Whenever you feel uncomfortable and scared just try to think of a lower gradient that isn't as frightening and allows you to make forward progress toward your goal. If you do this you will know how to meet women and the way to relate to them quickly.
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